How do I mend a broken heart...when it has been ripped apart?
How do I go on when I feel like giving up?
Why do I feel like I am made to suffer?
Why do I feel like I have to keep my heart in a cage away from everything?

So many questions, no answers   I so rarely let my feelings go because whenever I do, they just get stomped on, mangled, and then ridiculed... I have read a few blog posts lately that made me realize that maybe I am not the only one who might be hurting   I wish hurt on no one...not my friends or my enemies...  However, in an odd sort of way, I have taken some comfort in knowing that I am not the only one.   Maybe we should start a club... BHOA... [Broken Hearts of America].  Probably be millions strong...

So, what do I do now... I pick up the pieces and move on.   Try to mend my heart back into a single piece.   Do a heavy amount of drinking... no, that won't make the hurt go away, but at least I'll forget about it until my liver fails... I'd rather have my arm or leg broken than my heart.  Bones are easily mended.   The heart is much more fragile.   There is no cure drug for the heart.   No, not even alcohol can help mend a broken heart.Â  If there were a miracle cure, I'd be first in line.   Be the genea pig.   Anything that will ease the pain.

I take solice in my friends and rely on their strength and their words to keep me going.

I'll share something else that may or may not surprise you.   Though most of my high school years, I had many thoughts of suicide.   It's pretty obvious that I never suceeded or even tried. Just thoughts.   Thinking rationally, which surprisingly I could do at that age, I realize that the only ones I'd be hurting are my family and my friends.Â  I have recently had thoughts, not so much of suicide, but of death.Â  How much easier it would be on me.   No more suffering.  But the people I left behind would suffer much more than I ever would.   Suicide and death are the easy way out.  Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness.   It is for those reasons, I am still here today.

There have been a couple of instances where I could have been killed in accidents... but it didn't happen.   I believe that I am here today for a reason.

If you took the time to read this, then I know you truly care about me.Â  I have no way of knowing who did or did not.   I would like to thing that all of my close friends are reading this.  If you feel compelled to leave a comment, then do so... But I am not seeking comments, just understanding and love but not pity.  Also, please do not share with others.   This is for you, my friends and my friends, only.   I would like to believe that each of you will respect my wishes.

<span style="font-weight: bold"></span>This song really describes how I feel most of the time.... amazing how a song can describe how we feel almost as well as we could...

<span style="font-weight: bold">How Will I Laugh Tomorrow </span>(by Suidial Tendencies lyrics by Mike Muir...)

Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down
I cry for help but no one's around
Silently screaming I bang my head against the wall
It seems like no one cares at all
Always an emotion, but how can I explain
How can I explain
Kind of like the scent of a rose
With words I can't explain
The same with my pain
Caught up in emotion-Goes over my head
Goes over my head
Sometimes I got to think to myself is this life or death
Am I living or am I dead
The clock keeps ticking but nothing else seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged
And when I think about all the times that I've had
So few good-So many bad
I search for personality and I look for things I can not see

Love and peace flash through my mind
Pain and hate are all I find
Find no hope in nothing new
Never had a dream come true
Lies and hate and agony
Thru my eyes that's all I see
If I'm gonna cry
Will you wipe away my tears?
If I'm gonna die
Lord please take away my fear
Before I drown in sorrow
Last thing that I'll say
How will I laugh tommorow
If I can't even smile today
Today today--when I can't even smile today
Today today--when I can't even smile today
How will I laugh tommorow--when I can't even smile today
How will I laugh tommorow--when I can't even smile today

Much love to you all and God Bless,
- Mike (not ...operation: mike-crime... or ...scary mike... or ...the dark eternal mike... or even ...while mike gently weeps...)

<span style="font-weight: bold">NOTE:</span> I know it's Friday and I hope I didn't ruin anybody's Friday with my negativity...